My kingdom for a crumpet!

I took the day off yesterday to finish up my thesis, and just take advantage of the crazy spring like weather we’re having. I finally finished the paper and got it all printed out around 2, and then jumped in the shower and got it to the post office by 3, which made me feel all gooey and warm with goodwill toward mankind, etc. So I went to the store, and guided by my new ‘non-dieting’ approach to life, I just bought whatever I wanted.

I can’t overstate how odd this is for me. I’ve looked at the carb content of food for so many years that it’s actually quite hard for me to stop thinking that way. I considered the carb content of oranges versus pears. Mushrooms versus mung beans. I didn’t make put anything in my cart in years past that was a trigger food for me (bread, how I love thee) or anything, for that matter, that didn’t involve cooking. This led to a lot of family jokes about how I never actually had anything to eat because my fridge was only ever filled with veggies and raw meat, and my cabinets were only full of canned tomatoes and chicken broth, which meant there was nothing to grab for a snack. I know that sounds healthy, but the problem is that after years of that kind of all or nothing thinking I was “off” the diet more than on. For every day I was “good” there were two where I was “bad”. Lia lives next door (we share a duplex. Best. Idea. Ever. By the way) so I’d eat there most days, using the food she had, or we’d go out to eat or whatever. If I had three or four days of “good” (ie: low carb) eating in a row I’d consider myself worthy of a congressional medal of honor, and then crash into despair if I caved in to a piece of white toast. It just wasn’t working any more. So I quit, and I admit, it feels wonderfully freeing and mentally healthy for me. I bought steel cut oats yesterday, and crumpets, and two mangos. For breakfast I had a crumpet and a boiled egg and a low-carb yogurt (I still think these taste the best, but only Vanilla). A crumpet without guilt, people! It’s one of the signs of Armageddon! Amusingly, the things I bought would still be considered “diet” foods by a lot of folks, but I’m finding that I actually crave healthy foods these days. Sure, I know not to buy the six ice-cream sandwiches on sale because my wolf of COE can’t be faced with that, but I didn’t get fat from eating oats and mangos, you know?*

For what it’s worth, this does not mean I’m not trying to lose weight any more. Far from it. I’m just hoping to do it in a way that doesn’t make me either proud of myself or mad at myself based only on what I eat, because that’s just nuts. (mmm, nuts.) I know what’s healthy and I plan to eat those foods for most meals, but I also know that – for me – giving myself permission to not feel like food is the center of the universe is important now. I want to be the center of my universe, not what I put in my mouth.

In other, possibly related news, the past three days have been the first time in years that I am not just flat-out exhausted by mid-afternoon. I take a nap after work probably 4-5 times a week, but this week, nada. Hmmm. :rolls eyes:

*Note: for anyone on a low carb diet who is reading this, please understand I’m not bad mouthing that way of life. Getting off refined carbs and sugar is still one of the best things I did for myself because it taught me a lot about my need for protein and how to manage my blood sugar and cravings, but the more I look at what I’ve been doing for these years the more I know I wasn’t doing it right. I never ‘moved up’ the carb ladders. I continued to limit myself in unhealthy ways, and it played games with my mind and led to nothing but feelings of deprivation. The moral of this public service announcement is: to each her own. *g*