Just under a year ago I started this journal and began blogging my adventures in weight-loss land. I'm pleased to say I've lost over 40 pounds since then, and yet this week I'm struggling to feel proud and calm because I have a bad case of the Yucks.
You know The Yucks, right? Wake up, look at self in mirror: yuck. Eat an ice cream sandwich: yuck. Stare at scale: Yuck. And even though I'm maintaining my weight right now I'm certainly not losing much, and my mind she is struggling with that. On the one hand I have never felt so free and unanxious about food, and on the other hand I have a lot left to lose, and right now I'm existing in the grey area between those two facts. Daily I struggle with the "maybe I'll just diet for a FEW days to get a few pounds off" idea, and then bounce back in fear and loathing because I know deep down that doesn't work for me. Yesterday was the worst. I felt bloated and loathesome all day, and the bitterness seeped over into my food decisions and I overate. I ate like the bad old days of binging, and it isn't so much *what* I ate (2 oatmeal raisin cookies, some popcorn, and a white bean and swiss chard/pasta thing) as *how* I ate it. Mindlessly. Eating past the point of fullness. Angry with myself and the world. So today I'm trying to be gentle with myself. I had oatmeal and soy sausage for breakfast. I'm eating an apple now to tide me over until lunch (when I get hungry), and I'm hoping to find a way to navigate the idea of not depriving myself with the possibility of losing weight. There has to be a fine line there. There just has to.
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3 comments:
First of all congrats and well done on your weight loss! That's incredible.
Hang in there, we all have bad days...only motivates you to get back on track. Best wishes, you can do it.
40lbs is alot of weight to lose and I say "Way To Go Girl!!!"
Everyone has bad days, everyone.
Like the weather they come and go and I say treat yourself well on the bad days. Splurge without guilt knowing you will return to healthy eating shortly.
The point isn't that we fall off the wagon, but that we get back on :)
Have mercy on yourself!
I feel your pain! I'm there now too. It's nice not to be alone in yuckville. I do agree that as long as we get back on the wagon, then that is what matters most! Hang in there - I hope there's a train outta here soon :-)
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