Climbing Aboard

Well, day 2 of getting my life a bit more organized, and I'm feeling much more hopeful and up-to-date than I have in a while. The late winter and spring were rough, what with my bad health and my parents' move, and some trouble with Lia that stemmed from my being gone all the time physically and being gone mentally even when I was around. We talked about that this weekend - about how I was basically asleep from mid-March on, and about the way I withdraw from society when I'm emotional about things. She mentioned that I'd been buried in a book or magazine every time she's seen me for months, and you know, she was right. I always retreat into reading. Bless her bones, she gave me so much time and space, but admitted she'd been lonely even though I'd been sitting in the same house. So sweet.

In other news, we're starting to tentatively discuss plans for parenthood, which trips me out a little. When I was in my early twenties I had a devastating miscarriage over 4 months into a pregnancy, and I'm sad to say that the resulting emotional turmoil forced a terrible wedge between my fiancee David and I. We never got over it, and though I still adore him, I am glad that we finally called it quits. It's almost a decade later, and nevertheless the idea of entering into possible maternity again thrills and terrifies me. Lia and I have talked about some of the options, but in the back of my mind I know that it would fulfill a dream of mine if I could carry a child. I feel a terrible moral pull about that though, knowing how many children out there need good parents. Artificial Insemination is an option too, though again, it's a moral speedbump for me to consider brining a child into the world who won't have a father. :shrug: Maybe it's just me - I am a big Daddy's girl. *g* A rabidly conservative friend of mine mentioned Embryo Adoption, which might solve both problems. Basically, you "adopt" an embryo that was unneeded in another couple's IVT treatments, and you carry the child and give birth to it the old fashioned way. This seems to be just the best idea possible, but yesterday Lia and I looked into it online and (perhaps obviously) the big drawback is that one has to be married. Once again, just because some man has not ringed me and made me 'legitimate', I am again seen as not a viable member of society. Oh my God, that just burned me up. My blood pressure spiked so much when I saw that I had to go lie down in a dark room for an hour! How, exactly, is having a "single" mother not a better option that being used in stem cell research? How is it more morally pure to be frozen in a laboratory? Gah! The sound you hear is my brain attempting to grasp the logic and failing...

:deep breath:

Anyway, that leaves foreign adoption and AI. I don't consider domestic adoption from foster care because my best friend had her 2-year-old taken away when his birth mother got out of prison, and I just don't think I could handle that.

So what does all of this have to do with health? Well, not much. *g* But I know Lia and I won't begin the process soon - I need to finish school and want to run my half marathon in October first.

So, to sum up: a lot of trouble, a huge expense, and a lot of heartbreak. Sounds like kids, all right. ;)